One Month In: Notes on Early Sobriety

My journey towards sobriety started with what we would call a “dissociative episode.” It’s when, and it can always vary, you see yourself from outside of your body. These are caused by intense stress or as a response to trauma — usually stemming from childhood. I’ve experienced this phenomena a few times in my life. One of them during a terrifying case of sleep paralysis after loading up on prescription pain medication in my early 20s. I hovered above my body in bed staring at a terrified boy who saw a reflection of himself looking down. To observe yourself from outside of your body is jarring, sobering and equally troubling.

During this most recent episode, I observed an intoxicated, sad and scared man. I felt so badly for the person I saw because I knew that he wasn’t being the person he truly is. This wasn’t the guy who made people laugh and inspire others to read — this was a toxic, alternate version of that character. The version where the darkness won.

Since my late teens, I have struggled with sobriety. I didn’t have a lot of control in my life growing up and once I could start getting my hands on drugs and alcohol, I found a way to sedate my anxiety. For over a decade, I sought to quiet mind because I couldn’t handle anything I felt.

There were times that were better than others and usually I would stop abusing myself…